deviant ART

[x]

~lilfuzz6:iconlilfuzz6:

Maria  

  • Status: Member
  • Varied Artist
  • Female/United States
  • Offline for 4h 39m 34s
  • Deviant since May 30, 2004, 2:05 PM
  • 44 Deviations
  • 3 Scraps [browse]
  • 1,763 Deviation Comments
  • 540 Deviant Comments
  • 3 News Comments
  • 10 Forum Posts
  • 52,703 Pageviews

Jasper Bloom Moment

Journal Entry: Fri Mar 16, 2007, 10:10 PM
For the longest time I thought I was in love. I always thought he was my first love and in the end I found out indeed I've been hurt and lied to. Whatever comfort I sought in his lies were eventually broken away with maturity and age. Putting myself in his shoes and being able to understand his position has its pluses and minuses. I now know how much effort and how hard it must have been for him to keep everything together and I respected him for that. But seeing things from his perspective also spoke truths behind his lies, and made clear of my own naivete.

White lies can hurt. Maybe he lied to keep us together, maybe he lied for my sake, whatever I don't know can't hurt me right? But white lies pile up and to a certain point, they become unforgivable. A string of lies can spin itself into a web of manipulation and that's exactly how I feel looking back on it all, manipulated.

I've been wanting to avoid thinking about it for the longest time. I always believed I had the upperhand in most situations, that I was in control and incapable of letting feelings get to me. Perhaps it was also the fact that everything about him and about what we had seemed too magical to be corrupt, too pristine to be tainted. That 'first' boyfriend status needed to stay holy and sacred, the branded impression of the 'first' in my memories HAD to be a perfect fairytale one, because if it was anything else, that would've meant I failed. Why do I try so hard to achieve perfection knowing that it's impossible?

I have to admit that I really do miss those days even if they were not quite what they seem. I also admit no one else has been able to make me feel the way he made me feel. I miss having conversations about nothing for hours on end, never running out of things to say. I miss familiarity, even routineness could be happiness. I miss having someone to miss. At the same time, I'm constantly afraid that I will never have that back, that feeling only a 'first' could deliver. Still, I have been given hope, it is frail, but as strong as ever.

I still don't know what love is. I was in love with the idea of us, the idea of him. By all means, I tried to guard that idea, I tried to freeze it and frame it, I tried so hard that I ignored all the scratches on the surface and looked right through them, at a picture seemly perfect. Or it could be the opposite. Maybe I loved him so much I trusted whatever he told me even if I knew better. I wanted to believe him because I loved him. Yet, how could it be love for one to stay so guarded? Why did I feel the need to keep score or gain the upper hand? To me, true love is something that can make me ignore all that, falling in love means unconditional, selfless love. What I felt was far from that, it was anything BUT self-less. But is it REALLY possible to forget about oneself and love someone else like that? Enough to let them go?

I guess only time will tell. It's kind of funny to think after all these years, I'm finally writing an entry that will give me closure. I'm finally closing the book on that one chapter of my life that I've overlooked and tried to ignore for so long. I don't even know what empowered me to think about all this, I guess I've just come to terms with myself and what really happened. There are some things you can forgive that you can't forget. I have forgiven a long time ago, and tried countless times to forget.

Nevertheless, I'm ok with not forgetting. It just makes things hard because I have lost so much respect for this person I was once so close to. I've also tried, on several attempts to at least save our friendship for the sake of friendship. He may have tried for different reasons, mainly out of guilt I speculate. But everytime I remember, I lose respect for him all over again and it's just so hard. It also just so happens everytime we interact, something will always make me remember. Like I said, I wish I could forgive AND forget, the latter seems impossible. I have finally come to the conclusion that it's not worth trying and I'm sick of trying. I'm only human after all.

So that's that. End of story. Chapter closed. I wish you could have stayed in my mind much more as you are now, but you've reduced yourself to much less than I've hoped. Good luck and good bye. May you live forever.

-Maria

  • Mood: Neutral
  • Listening to: Lifehouse - Into the Sun

Devious Information

  • Current Age: 21
  • Current Residence: Los Angeles
  • Interests: too many to list
  • Favourite movie: LOTR Trilogy
  • Favourite genre of music: anything and everything, open to all suggestions
  • Operating System: XP
  • MP3 player of choice: iPod 3rd Gen
  • Favourite game: Final Fantasy Series
  • Favourite gaming platform: PS2 and PC
  • Favourite cartoon character: Inuyasha, Sesshoumaru, Tezuka Kunimitsu, Fuji Sysuke, Darien, Squall, Rukawa, Sakuragi, Kakashi
  • Tools of the Trade: Photoshop 7, PSP, Flash MX, Pencil, Markers, Color Pencils, Oil, Acrylic, Water Color

deviantART Notice

Devious Comments

~NourDT:iconNourDT: May 3, 2008, 11:58:50 AM
HI THIS IS ONE OF YOUR STOCK PICS AFTER I USED IT HOPE YOUIKE IT: [link]

--
WATCH YOUR HABITS
THEY BECOME YOUR CHARACTER
WATCH YOUR THOUGHTS
THEY BECOME YOUR WORDS
WATCH YOUR WORDS
THEY BECOME YOUR ACTIONS
~embo-2k7:iconembo-2k7: Apr 21, 2008, 11:33:15 AM
Hey I just wanted to ask how did you do the effects in the eyes because i can change the eye color by cropping the eye and changing the contrast on the new layer, but I wanted to know how you added the effects.
Please reply please Love Emily.
*DevilDogStudio:iconDevilDogStudio: Apr 20, 2008, 10:19:28 AM
You sound bruised, but not broken. Good girl. You are very young - time enough to discover love. Never mistake love for lust or passion. They are fleeting, and is why so many marriages don't last. Your heart will sing again. -Dave

--
Throw me a frickin' bone here..........

*Apophysis
*C-BanMido:iconC-BanMido: Apr 18, 2008, 8:24:33 AM
what pretty eyes. any tips on how to change the eye color to make it seem natural. i will thank you so much

--
´LOOK INTO MY EYES AND TELL ME WHAT U SEE
*Slik6:iconSlik6: Apr 10, 2008, 3:22:16 PM
You have been featured on My Journal

--
---------------------------
Graffiti: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

FAQ #22: How to increase Pageviews!
~kill-all-emos2501:iconkill-all-emos2501: Apr 7, 2008, 3:16:30 AM Mood: Wow!
your stuff is so cool. how did u make it??
~Solariad:iconSolariad: Mar 25, 2008, 2:50:42 PM
you'r gallery it's very interesant =)

--
No dejes que desvaloren tu trabajo y mucho menos tu
~aruinedmonday:iconaruinedmonday: Mar 23, 2008, 10:02:26 AM
Hey
Used your Stock here-[link]
Left Credit in the Comments.
Hope you don't Mind
=D
~Asgard-Raven:iconAsgard-Raven: Mar 21, 2008, 1:26:34 PM
I used your stock photo here
[link]
~DimityGirl:iconDimityGirl: Mar 7, 2008, 1:33:56 AM
hey!
i wanna thank you, i borred one of your stocks....it was my first attempt! so im sorry if it sucks!
[link]

--
Remember if someone is gonna stare at you....Give them a reason to stare!
=ArticWolfSpirit:iconArticWolfSpirit: Mar 2, 2008, 8:12:40 PM
nice art!

--
The newest artist I found has great artwork. She amazes me with her work. She is one of my favourite artists. It is darkashen07 [link] I have many more favourite artists that I cannot list. Check out my journal of my friends!
~Visionary-Maniac:iconVisionary-Maniac: Mar 2, 2008, 11:30:49 AM
I used your "eye" artwork to get an understanding of real eye lids and how they look, other than that, not much similarity.
Still, you can find it here: [link].
I hope you don't mind!
~Visionary-Maniac:iconVisionary-Maniac: Mar 2, 2008, 6:02:54 AM Mood: Joy
Your gallery is fantastic!
Keep up the great work and the kickass cosplay! (You got Rikku down-pat ;))
~AmandaDely:iconAmandaDely: Feb 24, 2008, 5:59:31 PM
Hello, your artwork is featured in

[link]

--
And that was without a single drop of rum
~jadeddryad:iconjadeddryad: Feb 17, 2008, 10:38:42 PM
[link]

Thought you would like to know I used one of your stock images at the above link! I also would like you to know that I love your eyes

--
Life is like a box of chocolates...ya never know what cha gonna get till you take a BITE!

(>^_(>O_o)> POOR KIRBY

oh my good gracious blood curdling screams...

~jesusbuddy7:iconjesusbuddy7: Feb 7, 2008, 12:10:48 PM
glad you like it, thanks for the fave!

--
__________________________
jesusbuddy7Proud member of=sunsets~LearnWithFriends=onewordphoto*Circleoffriends
~WhisperedFlame:iconWhisperedFlame: Feb 1, 2008, 1:57:51 PM
Hi. I've used one of your stock-photo's for a colorize, 'cause I liked it so much. You can look at it here: [link]

--
"Hope is not the end, so never lose your faith." - Epica
~lemon-boy:iconlemon-boy: Jan 31, 2008, 7:10:55 AM
Hey, I used your stock photo hope you dont' mind :), heres the link.

[link]

--
<3Alex
~Flytch:iconFlytch: Jan 31, 2008, 7:10:21 AM
and again here [link] sory:|

--
Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times)

Zombie = Undead. Jesus died, Jesus 'came back to life' QED Jesus was a zombie.
~Flytch:iconFlytch: Jan 31, 2008, 5:02:01 AM
I used your stock photo here:) [link] it's not very original I know:P

--
Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times)

Zombie = Undead. Jesus died, Jesus 'came back to life' QED Jesus was a zombie.
~Dark69Cloud:iconDark69Cloud: Jan 23, 2008, 5:03:46 AM
Hope you will be ^^

I'm a cosplayer hehe

--
It takes millions of people to complete the world
but it only takes you to complete mine...
~Dark69Cloud:iconDark69Cloud: Jan 20, 2008, 11:11:41 PM
Hi! Are u a cosplayer???

--
It takes millions of people to complete the world
but it only takes you to complete mine...
~OnTheRise:iconOnTheRise: Jan 17, 2008, 3:08:52 AM Mood: Zest
Thank you for the stock photo.
Here is the link if you would like to check it out:
[link]

--
Don't be fooled...